What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

(And it was in our own minds.)

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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I write beautiful poetry .

Why do doctors refuse HRT to menopausal women but hand them out to trans people?

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

So, i spoilt her more .

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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Why did i forgive my father ?

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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Are fanservice-y characters (i.e. Lara Croft, Tifa Lockhart) immediately bad?

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Overthinking is killing me day-by-day. What should I do?

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Ive learnt so much.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

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She died at 55 of colon cancer.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

It was going to be , some day.

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But im dying ,and its too late for me.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

She wouldn,t have been !

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I was seconnd youngest,

We were not on the streets..

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

When she asked me how she looked .

What did i know ?

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I said to her

My family never makes their pension either.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I couldn’t, believe it.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

She married twice! .

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I was scared of men, in general

The only rule us 5 kids had .

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Put me off passion for life!!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

But, we were locked up after school.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I never cut or harmed myself..

She found it foreign!.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

And i lived it daily.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I have no regrets .

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Comes on , in middle age.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

All the time i was locked up.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

But ive been too sick for many years..

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Would this be the day?

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

She loved him until the end.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I don,t even have a pension.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

Especially a lifetime of it.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

But it wasn’t much.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Who then, do I blame.?

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

So whats the point in blame.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I was 9 years of age.

As i do to all so called friends.?

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

He knew the spot.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

My life is so biszare .

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

He resisted the act ,that day.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I could never make a relationship work though!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I waited trembling.

She was in good health!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

This is soul school!.

I was very sick at this time too.

One cannot live in the past .

Was to survive, this bastard.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I will be 64.

I think the readers, may guess!

We all went to grammer schools

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Im still living with it.